Clean
by imamessofawriter
Summary: Now that I'm clean I'm never going to risk it. Based on Clean by Taylor Swift. One-Shot


Summary: Now that I'm clean I'm never going to risk it. Based on Clean by Taylor Swift. One-Shot

A/N: This was written a while ago and it seems that I have forgotten to post it. Sorry.

Warnings: AU

Word count: 1037

Disclaimer: I do not own Gintama

Clean

How many long have passed since _that_ day, was it days? Weeks? Months? He had lost track of time since long ago, everything seemed to have merged together. Did he eat? Did he sleep? He doesn't recall what happened in the past few hours, and he doesn't care. He was numb.

It was as if a drought had stuck his heart, and his emotions have died along with the fond memories, smiles and the time he spent with _them_. There was an ongoing battle in his mind since _that_ day.

'You should've saved him'

'Killing him was the only way'

'but you took away the most precious thing to you'

'this was what he wanted'

His conscious was killing him slowly, it was driving him towards insanity. One half of his soul told him that it was the right discussion to make while the other half was filled with regret and resentment. It was haunting him, his actions.

But then he realized, they lost. The war was over and the Amanto emerged victorious. So why did Shoyo-Sensei have to die? Why did things have to turn out like that? Why is it that he had to pay the price? Why?

Looking up at the night sky, the silver haired samurai let out a howl of pain. "WHY?" he screamed as he used his wooden sword to slash the closest thing to him, which was an unfortunate tree. "what on earth did I ever do wrong to deserve this?" he asked no one in particular as he went on rampage.

It went on for the rest of the night, he cried, he screamed, he let everything out. He allowed himself to drown in his emotions, his pain, his suffering. He didn't mind inflicting these injuries on himself if it meant that he is able to breathe after so long. And as the sun rose to the sky he felt it all wash away, the pain was no longer there. The lingering ghosts weren't there, they left.

.

But then he should've known that getting rid of them wasn't that easy. They would always come back in whatever form, whether it was a small child or an elderly woman, they would always find their way back. It's been a while since they last haunted him.

This time it took on the shape of a little girl, he couldn't save her. Couldn't protect her. He couldn't do anything about it, so instead he accepted it. It was out of his hands, out of his reach.

Just like always he opened his soul to them, screamed and screamed till he lost his voice. He couldn't' breathe, it was excruciating but why should it matter to people, after all his cries fell on deaf ears. He allowed himself to be numb once again, forgetting them, erasing them from his life.

It was the same cycle over and over again. Whenever the ghosts of the past haunted him, he would allow them in and drown himself in a rain of pain and misery, hoping that he would get rid of them forever but it never did.

.

This time they were gone for a few years that he finally believed that they would never come back. Then they came, for a while it took on the form of any enemy who tried to harm his friends, but then they emerged as Takasugi for a very long time. And every time he would see his former comrade, the memories, everything would flood back into his mind.

He was starting to get irritated, just when he was starting to live life peacefully and carefree do they have to come back. It wasn't until a bomb - in the form of his teacher – had hit him did he realize one thing.

Even if Shoyo-Sensei was gone, he was able to live his life normally. The one who brought the ghosts every time was no one other than himself. Whenever they left him for long, he called them. He didn't realize that he loved the pain, that he used it to feel alive, to feel wanted. Since when did he become dependent on them?

Every minute he spent with his friends, his family, he didn't need to rely on the pain, the suffering, all of that just to feel wanted. So as time went by, he realized that even though he had people who loved him, he would still crave for the pain. It was like an alcoholic craving for alcohol after becoming sober. No matter how long has passed since then, he would always miss it.

As time went by and as he grew older, he knew better than to give in to his demons and ghosts. He was never going to throw everything he had for such thing, no he wasn't going to risk it, risk them. After all it took to build these bonds, this house of people, no he absolutely wouldn't risk it.

It became his resolve, and every time he was about to fall in that pit, hands were stretched to help him. Instead of allowing himself to drown in a rain of his own emotions, he decided to drown into a flood of other people's emotions, it was easier to breathe that way. No matter how deep he drowned he was still able to breathe, he was able to smile and laugh.

The drought that struck his heart was gone, whatever died inside him had returned to life because of the rain. It quenched the thirst of his soul, and washed away all of his regrets and pain. He was able to breathe once again, and this time he wasn't alone. This time he wasn't the one that defeated all of those monsters, it was the work of the people around him.

He smiled, he knew that whenever he couldn't breathe all he had to do was scream, this time he will be heard, he won't be alone. And whenever they came back, they would turn to dust and get washed away, leaving no trace behind them. He may miss them but he knew better than to risk letting them in because after all this time he finally felt Clean.


End file.
